Towards Whatever

A day where nothing seemed to happen, in some ways a lot happened:

• My laser tech gave me a necklace.  Engaved in the main pendant in the Chinese symbol for strength.  A small gift, but it meant a lot to me somehow.
• I received the final letter I need.  Been waiting for this one to come in the mail for a bit, good to see it finally arrive.  I’ll be able to send it back out tomorrow.
• I was friend zoned this morning.  I suppose one of the benefits of not having any confidence is I expected little to nothing and found myself almost amused.  It is disappointing, but only a bit.  After all, I could use more friends, so it’s still a win, I guess?

General updates:

Work: unproductive.
Dating: difficult.
Life: non-trivial.
Grad School: only making progress in artificial ways that don’t matter, otherwise stalled.

On the upside I cooked an excellent dinner tonight for four people.  So that’s something.  Steak, braised leeks, sauteed arugula, pineapple guavas, beets and potatoes.

I’ve realized how terribly lax I’ve been posting things on this blog.  So once again, we cruise control with bullet points:

• Probably was depressed.  The last time I got my testosterone levels checked they were undetectable on a blood test.  I was really really happy over that and it took me months to realize that those levels are too low.  Women have testosterone.  It’s a hormone that is supposed to be there, and when it’s not there at all, it can be problematic.  I experienced all the classic signs: low energy levels, depression, etc.  For the most part, I ignored them.
• Dosage change.  I’ve changed a little bit about what I’m doing to try and get things to work better.  Right now I’m dosing with DHEA.  I will have a blood test sometime later this week to confirm my levels have rebalanced.  I feel like my T levels have gone up a bit and are likely within normal female ranges, but I guess we’ll find out.
• Got over it.  Okay, that’s a stretch.  I still have a lot of really happy memories of her.  I maybe am still in love with her.  But.  I’m certainly over the part where I’m crying too often about it.  Well, except for every now and again.  Okay, let’s actually chalk this one up as “Getting over it.”
• I have a date tomorrow.  And probably another one next week with a different girl.  I’m excited about it.
• My life is full of produce.  I joined a CSA and have begun cooking like mad and it’s really really enjoyable.
• I continue to have awesome friends, supportive family, caring medical clinicians and wonderful co-workers.
• The biggest outstanding issue in my life is that I’m still finding it hard to actually be productive at work.  This has been a long standing issue, but I’m finally feeling like I’m beginning to make progress on it.
• The last person who needs to give me a letter that clears me for surgery (multiple people have to write letters saying you’re not crazy) is in the process of writing it.
• Oh, I’m planning on having SRS within the next six months.  I’ve already had the initial consult, scheduled a surgical date, rescheduled a surgical date and asked them to waitlist me for a closer one.  (Hah.)  I assume you’ll hear all about it when it goes down.
• As part of preparing for SRS, I need to remove hair from certain parts of the area so that when it’s on the inside, there’s no hair growing there.  Because that would suck.  So that’s involved getting a laser pointed at my genitals.  And that’s also sucked.

Until next time.

Sometimes I look in mirrors.  Lately I’m usually surprised and pleased to find a moderately attractive girl there.  I’m still not sure how that happened, but soon after, I find myself smiling and the girl in the mirror smiles with me.

There are of course, the other times.  The times I stare in the mirror only to wonder “oh dear god what is that thing?” then, I remember—oh right—me.

Don’t get me started on what happens when I record my voice or video of me that isn’t silent.

That voice.  Ugh.  I hate you testosterone.  I’m sorry, I know others disagree and for them, you’re a savior.  You deserve credit for that and a lot of people in my position give you a bad rap.  But, personally?  I never asked for you.  If I knew I had a choice I would never have allowed it.  But I was a child.  How was I supposed to know?

Leaving that last post up there for too long makes things seem a bit weird.  To clarify, there are many different problems in my life right now. I’m not going to write through rose colored glasses about them.  I just wrote an entry that I’ll be posting in about a month when the situation I’m writing about stabilizes.

That said, I still do feel like things are getting better and even when one of the areas in my life crashes down I feel like I’ve continued to be able to eventually pull it around and get it moving in the right direction again.  I feel like in general as time goes forward most of the areas of my life are getting better and the idea of the future excites me.  For the first time in some time.

So I’m not depressed much anymore, I just go through some phases where I feel bad about certain things.  I feel like I’m going to get out of this all, I’ve seen certain things improve already and I have good reason to believe that the various things that have been throwing monkey wrenches in my life are getting close to running out of wrenches.

In the meantime, I’m still overwhelmed.  But I think I’m slowly winning.

Time will tell.

I have a bias towards painting a rosy picture of my life.  I have this intense and not entirely sane worry that people will judge me when they hear how frustratingly problematic I feel some aspects of my life are.  I know I have made the right decision and in many ways I’m very much happier with my life, but I also cry a lot more than I used to.

I feel like because I’m trans if I acknowledge that some things suck now, it feels like people might think my decision is somehow invalid.  I feel judged on whether or not I am happy.  It turns out that’s somewhat hard to live with.

So I’m going to try and release myself from that nonsense.

I’ve been extraordinarily exhausted lately.  Not just physically tired, though it is true I’ve been getting far less sleep than I need, but emotionally exhausted.  I feel drained, beat down and often downright defeated.  Yet at the same time I’m aware that I’ve almost won.

But I feel like my life is still hanging by a string.  There’s my finances, which are barely manageable.  I’m in debt, at a level unprecedented in my life and I’m really not enjoying it. There’s also a bunch of work, organizing and thinking I’ve just been viciously deferring while I went though a lot of hectic things that are now only beginning to fade away.  As they fade away, all the stuff that I’ve deferred over the last year is coming up and so I’m slowly having to painstakingly work through that until I can feel things are normal again.  And let’s face it, my transition schedule has been pretty fast as these things go and these things are not something that one should really try to do quickly.

Much more importantly, my support network is busted.  I grew reliant on one person who I don’t think I can really rely on anymore and unfortunately that’s the type of problem that leads to the deadly correlated failure as the person who need to help you deal with the loss is the person you lost.  It isn’t that I have no one, I have some amazing friends who support me as best they can, but life seems a lot lonelier lately.  I did also just move away from a lot of my friends when I moved to my new place, so that didn’t help.

I feel like there’s a lot I still need to think about in terms of figuring out how I move forward at this point.  I don’t see myself as the type of person who spews on and on about these types of things.  I typically think I’m a fairly strong person, but right now, I feel really, really, really weak.

It’s pretty bad and I don’t know how to fix it.  I have trouble getting out of bed some mornings, and over the past week, I’ve probably cried at least once 5 of the 7 days.  I’ve been making angsty noises to a bunch of different people but I don’t think anyone’s quite aware of how intensely unhappy I am with things right now.

I still don’t feel like life is normal yet and it’s exhausting.

I’m trying to date again.  That probably isn’t even the right call, but at this point not dating seemed worse.

Speaking of which, dating is subtly different now, so that’s another thing I have to navigate and figure out.  More things to do.

In a word?  Overwhelmed.

This entry sucks, but I’m tired and it’s 3 in the morning, so I’m pressing the create post button anyway.

I did my undergraduate work at UCSD in San Diego, I like the town and still have friends there. My current advisor at UCSC goes down to San Diego each summer for about six weeks.  So I typically take the opportunity to travel down to say hi and see old friends and colleagues.

Three of the people I met this time I hadn’t seen for some time.  They weren’t aware of my transition because they don’t use any of the social networking sites and I hadn’t gotten in contact with them recently.  It was past time to see most of them.

The first was an old professor who offered to allow me to join his research group and work with him when I was an undergraduate.  He’s someone I owe a debt to, as he spent a considerable amount of time teaching me how research works and giving me some extra perspectives to work with.  Unfortunately, since moving institutions though, he and I correspond only rarely.  It had been too long.  I sent a brief e-mail before going down to let him know I’d be in the area and find a decent time to drop by.  I figured we’d talk about everything else when we had a chance to meet face to face.

So, I found myself standing at his office door, seeing him look up and say “Hi DJ, hold on a second while I finish this, take a seat.” all without missing a beat.  This is fairly typical, but the immediate recognition and nonchalance admittedly threw me, I was hoping for at least a moment’s confusion.  C’est la vie.  A few minutes later he had finished with what he was working on, turned back to me and said something closely resembling: “So do you want to close the door and tell me what’s going on?”

So we talked for about an hour and a half.  We ended up discussing identity politics, philosophy, the gender binary and on his side, he filled me in on some of the happenings in his life.  It seems we’re as good as ever.  His offer to be on my advancement committee still stands and I hope to be able to see him again soon.  Nothing is different, except for the parts that are.

The second person I saw that day was a former staff member who ran a good portion of UCSD’s core computing infrastructure for years.  He and I developed a healthy respect for each on several e-mail lists where we both were very open about speaking our minds and criticizing the many, many structural problems how the university used, approached and managed technology.  He was able to speak up because as an old timer who actually mattered and knew where the bodies were buried there was a limit on what they could do to him.  Meanwhile I was able to speak up because as a student employee on a casual/restricted status, I didn’t have much to lose.  (I stayed employed for as long as I did because my immediate supervisor was very good at deflecting the rains of fury from the higher ups I regularly brought down upon his head.  Whoops.)  For those wondering why we bothered, I know in my case it was the steady stream of quietly sent off-list kind e-mails from colleagues I respected who quietly sent thank yous for saying what they couldn’t.  In his case, I think there was more to it.

Anyway, the staff member and I didn’t end up meeting in person or interacting directly much until we were at a pub celebrating his departure from the core computing department to a research position within CSE.  It turned out about a month later, I found myself working in the same department (I ended up switching jobs at about the same time) and started dropping by his office now and again to chat.  He’s someone I really respect and his experience in my field is rich, deep and involves a decent amount of mischief.  But it had been a year or two since we had seen each other.  I wasn’t at all sure how he was going to take the whole me transitioning thing, but walking up to his door seemed like the best way to find out, so I did.

He looked up, paused, I said hi, and after a moment of processing, he smiled, said hi and then told me to grab a seat.  I did.  We talked for some time about pretty much everything.  He relayed that things are slowly getting better with a change in management, though ironically noted that I had a lasting effect on the department as they imposed a new policy that prevented employees from commenting on public lists without review by supervisors.  Apparently he found this to be rather amusing while I found it to be mostly depressing.  As for the transition, it turns out he’s totally supportive.  Also turns out he’s gay, which now that something in our personal lives instead of research/work lives came up was something that got mentioned.  I feel like, if anything, we are more likely to want to grab some time to chat than before.  Which is really pretty cool.

The third person I arraigned to meet was a hacker friend.  I poked him on Twitter about grabbing a beer and quickly ended up agreeing on a time.  He had seen a bit of the avatar updates on Twitter, but we had never talked about the subject directly, so he didn’t *know* know.  As he put it “I was wondering whether you were a girl now or if something in Santa Cruz had rubbed off on you and it was just a weird hair style.”

We had agreed to meet at a pizza place where most of our interactions had taken place over the years.  I walked in the door, found him at a table, we shook hands and I sat down.  There was, as there always is during these conversations, lots to talk about.  We discussed things for awhile, I filled him in on what was going on and bothered him about his life and we slowly managed to catch up.  Like most everyone in San Diego, it had been too long and I think he managed to convince me that I need to go to Vegas for Defcon and catch him again there.  Eventually it came time for me to go to dinner so we said goodbye with a hug.  A subtle difference from our handshake at the beginning, but one that made me smile and one I have noticed evolve with a lot of old friends.

Generally: guys shake hands, girls hug.  Some things change, I guess.

I spent the last week in the Midwest, back visiting my mother’s family.  My cousin was getting married, so it was time to go back and visit.  It was my first time going back to visit in about five years… so some things are a bit different than before.

While I had to deal with more male pronouns over the past week than I have had in months, adjusting to that just drove home how much this isn’t really an issue for me anymore.  Here where my life I have grown used to the pronouns being right.  Happily, with strangers I can expect the same.  It is only with those who used to know me that haven’t seen me for a long time that pronouns ever seem to be an issue.

I admit I find some frustration that people who used to know me but haven’t seen me in some time seem to have no trouble continuing to readily identify me now.  I am somewhat confused by this.  I feel like a lot has changed and I feel like if so much change has taken place, shouldn’t it be harder to recognize me?  Apparently not.

It is a silly thing to worry about, I suppose, it just nags somehow.  I feel like more should be different.

I was nervous about this trip.  All of my relatives are somewhat conservative leaning, all attend church regularly and while there’s plenty of accepting people who fit that description, there’s a lot of unaccepting people who do as well.  I figured most of them would be okay, family means a lot with us.  At the same time, I was far from sure it’d be grand slam.  Between the family who jaunts off now and again to protest in front of abortion clinics and my grandfather, who feels no restraint about expressing views I find distasteful now and again (not going into detail on a public blog there!) there’s definitely people in the family who feel a lot differently about certain issues than I do.  Overall, I expected things to go well, but had tried to prepare myself as best as possible for things to go badly.

They didn’t.  I enjoyed my time with my family.  While family members often got pronouns wrong, not a one of them ever argued about what the pronoun ought to be and overall the level of awkwardness was surprisingly low, even accounting for midwestern politeness.  In fact, I feel a lot closer to several members of my extended family now, particularly one of my cousins.

Sometimes it is the small moments that you cherish the most.  Whether it’s three generations cooking together in a kitchen, some games of cards or gossiping about dresses with a cousin, it was really nice to be able to go back and appreciate family.  It is even nicer to know that it’s possible when you were worried it might not be.

There was some speculation over whether or not my grandfather would remember me.  He has dementia, so unfortunately it doesn’t seem like his brain is ever likely to allow him to evolve past whatever memories of me he already had.  Yet, he knew who I was just fine and if he was confused about why I was in a dress, he didn’t bother to mention it.  He has gotten a lot more happy and easygoing in his old age as I think he has grown used to not knowing exactly what’s going on a lot of the time.

Even the wedding itself was nice.  It was a rather traditional ceremony held in a catholic church.  People seemed to think my outfit was cute.  Actually the word most used was beautiful. Actually the words my aunt used were “greek goddess” but that seems a bit over the top.  I mean okay, I did a cute thing with my hair, but it couldn’t have been that cute.

At the reception, the groom (my cousin’s new husband) took a moment to say hi.  He, in what seemed like an earnest moment, mentioned that when he first heard that I would be transitioning had thought it was somewhat strange but now felt that compared to the last time he met me that this seemed like the right choice for me.  He thought I seemed more comfortable.  I thought it was one of the nicer things anyone said to me.

If he was trying to make a favorable impression for whatever reason, he was successful.  As far as I’m concerned, he’s a great addition to the family.  Congrats to both him and my cousin.  I found myself impressed by them both.

The following post is cathartic.  I need a space where I can talk right now and this is the one most disassociated from my “real life.”  I need a space to scream into the world without affecting the people close to me, because frankly their ears are bleeding from the screaming I’ve already done.  Basically, what follows is a bunch of emo bullshit.  Feel free to go about your day as normal.

In the beginning:

I remember the first time she called me her girlfriend.  As shocking as an anvil from the sky, my life changed, my perspective shifted, over a stupid word.

I remember trying not to fall in love with her.

I remember failing—it was magical.

Then:

I remember being excited when I saw reality replace magic.  Things were becoming real, and real was special.

I remember the time we spent together.  From the best breakfast ever held at 6pm on a Sunday to breakfast in Santa Cruz on a weekday.  I remember the times that didn’t involve breakfast too.

I remember finding out she was technically brilliant.  I remember being stunned that I had fallen in love with her without knowing that side of her.  I remember feeling the relief as for the first time in my life someone I love was able to challenge my technical side as well as my emotional side.

I remember her carefully salvaging the sexuality I had discarded on the side of the road in the haste of trying to move along with my life and slowly, painstakingly, over nights and nights of effort, working with me to revive it and showing me it was still possible to enjoy.  (I suppose I didn’t actually ever tell anyone about that, I had troubles for months.)

I remember her likely being the last person to touch me in certain places that aren’t likely to be the same by the time I sleep with someone else.

Then:

I remember the look in her eyes the first time I realized we were together and she didn’t actually want to be there.

I remember her feeling bad about not wanting to be there.

I remember telling her we should stop calling each other girlfriends, even though just hearing her say it still made me so happy.

I remember letting her run free so she could get the space she needed.  Then I remember trying to hold on, despite myself.

I remember crying.  Almost every night since then.  Even on the nights I don’t leave the lab.

Now:

I fear everytime I don’t hear from her that she won’t talk to me again, even though I know that’s ridiculous.

I fear everytime I see her that it’ll be our last.

I fear that it won’t get better.

I know for someone who has given me so much it seems like the least I can do to give her space for awhile, but I’m realizing how far I’ve let myself fall for her that such a thing is so hard.

I know I deserve the labels of needy and dramatic, but it hurts right now.

Badly.

I can’t remember if she reads this, I may have given her a link somehow, but I hope she doesn’t check it.  I know the fact that I’m hurting is tearing her up almost as much as the lack of space to live in and find herself in is killing her right now.  She doesn’t need more reminders of that.

Love, if you read this, know that everything is okay.  I’m not okay right now, but I will be.  Still working on dealing with my emotions now that they’re back in my life after testosterone exiled them for so many years.  Take care of yourself.  I hope to see you as soon as you’re done.

Answer: months.

But finally it’s all right and if someone issues me a ticket from one of those accounts the information will actually match my government issued IDs and everything.  Which, you’d think they’d be more on the ball about, but hey.

With the arrival of my passport today, I got my first correct ID which documents my updated name and gender marker.  Given that I applied about a month ago and didn’t spring for expedited service, the department of state processed my passport quickly.  Even accounting for the time they delayed my application to request another signed letter since they were unhappy that original letter from my doctor wasn’t on letterhead.  After overnighting a new letter back to them on Monday, my passport was delivered today.

Thus, an end to having no good options for IDs for almost two months.  My current driver’s license has a hole punched through it ever since I changed my name and while they’ve issued me a temporary license, since it doesn’t have a photo on it, you have to use the old one.  They have yet to send me the new ID card, despite me having applied for one on the 22nd of November.

As soon as that ID comes back, I will have to go back to the DMV and get a hole punched in it again, and then wait another… what is apparently at least 2 months, for my new driver’s license with the updated gender marker.  So… having a valid passport I can use as an ID is nice change.

In the meantime, my university ID and social security cards have been reissued with the correct name.  The files behind them still claim I’m male, but neither of those cards have a gender marker printed on them, so the cards won’t need to be reissued when I fix the files.  Now that I have a valid ID, I will at least be able to update my university record; the social security record may be more annoying, but that doesn’t need to be an issue until my next job.

Thankfully all of my banking records have always been in the correct name, so that part has been rather convenient.  I suppose they probably have a notation for my gender in their computer systems somewhere, but I’m not sure I really care enough to rush to update those files.

My IEEE and ACM membership cards still have dots after my initials that are no longer necessary, but oddly enough, it’s my Costco card that is the last thing I have in my wallet with a completely incorrect name.  Somehow, I can’t bring myself to be overly concerned about that.  It seems rather silly that it was ever issued in my former legal name in the first place…